Hobber's JOTD

[Hobber]

Ha!

[Kevlar GT]

Carl Williams dad went to visit him in gaol and noticed he'd put on even more weight. He looks at his son and says "Geez Carl, look how fat you are. For christs sake mate, an exercise bike wouldn't kill ya"

[smythie]

[smythie]

John & Bill, two residents of a mental clinic, were sitting near the facilities swimming pool.
Suddenly John jumped into the pool and sunk to the bottom.
Bill watched him for 30 seconds, and realized John wasn't coming back up as expected.
He dived in and dragged John out, and commenced CPR on him, before some staff members arrived and took over.
An hour later tha head doctor called Bill into his office.
"I have to congratulate you Bill. Your prompt action in getting John out of the pool and trying to revive him shows us that you are mentally well enough to be released from here.
Unfortuntely I have to inform you that John later used the cord from his robe to hang himself in the laundry".
"Oh he didn't hang himself" said Bill, "I hung him up to dry."

[smythie]

The 98yo mother superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her to try and make her last journey as comfortable as possible. They tried giving her some warm milk, but she refused to drink it. Then one of the nuns had an idea. She went to the kitchen and added a generous amount of Irish whiskey to the glass.

She returned to the bed and held the glass to the old woman's lips. The mother superior had a sip, then another, and shortly she'd drunk the whole glass.
The nuns said "Mother Superior, please pass on to us some of your wisdom before you go."
The old lady whispered hoarsely "Don't sell that cow."

[smythie]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis!

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all babe, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'


And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

[smythie]

An oldie with up to date modifications


A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan, Anna Bligh and Julia Gillard.They're asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[smythie]

The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.

The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said, “Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Rudd sanctimoniously replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked the bastard off the stage.

[Hobber]

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"

[Sentinel]

Ah boyz... Love them all. Haven't laughed so hard in ages!

[Hobber]

A woman walked into an pub and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

[smythie]

terrible. Audrey loved em