more than just a dump! and a few!
Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 8:32 pmA woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, Thats the ugliest baby that Ive ever seen.
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down fuming.
She says to a man next to her The driver just insulted me
The man say You go right up there and tell him off.
Go ahead Ill hold your monkey for you
A woman is felling rather down and self concious.
She says to her husband ''take a look at me. When I woke up this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out and I had this corpse-like look on my face. My arse is too big, my breasts are like 2 wet kippers and I look like a right old mess
What's wrong with me! Can't you at least pay me one compliment!
Her husband looks at her for a couple of minutes then calmly says
Well darling, look on the brightside! there is nothing wrong with your eyesight
A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty, little fart.
It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof! Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Max".
A couple of minutes later, the woman was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Max!’
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t have time to think about it. She let rip a fart like a V8 being strangled. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"For Christ sake Max! get away from her before she shits on your bloody head!"
I’m sure that upon reading this, you’ll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven’t you need more fibre.
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day - blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you’ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You’ve finished but there’s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The bus driver says, Thats the ugliest baby that Ive ever seen.
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down fuming.
She says to a man next to her The driver just insulted me
The man say You go right up there and tell him off.
Go ahead Ill hold your monkey for you
A woman is felling rather down and self concious.
She says to her husband ''take a look at me. When I woke up this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out and I had this corpse-like look on my face. My arse is too big, my breasts are like 2 wet kippers and I look like a right old mess
What's wrong with me! Can't you at least pay me one compliment!
Her husband looks at her for a couple of minutes then calmly says
Well darling, look on the brightside! there is nothing wrong with your eyesight
A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty, little fart.
It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof! Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Max".
A couple of minutes later, the woman was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Max!’
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t have time to think about it. She let rip a fart like a V8 being strangled. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"For Christ sake Max! get away from her before she shits on your bloody head!"
I’m sure that upon reading this, you’ll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven’t you need more fibre.
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day - blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you’ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You’ve finished but there’s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
