"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Heath Hotline"..

[Ric]

· If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
· If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
· If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6
· If you are paranoid, we know who you are, and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.
· If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
· If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
· If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no-one will answer.
· If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
· If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
· If you have post-traumatic disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
· If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
· If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
· If you have low self esteem. Please hang-up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.