An English mate sent this one recently. The English love knocking the Scots
After having their 11th child Chelsea Paris Britney McGuffy, a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children:
"Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no"
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The husband said to the doctor: "Ah might no be the sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."
"Trust me" said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley and some parts of Livingston, Coatbridge and Bathgate
